Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
