Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
