Someone shit on the floor
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
