College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
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I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
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I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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