I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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