in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
