Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
