If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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