I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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