so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
