I met the friendliest cop last night
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
