I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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