Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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