Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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