When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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