i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
