Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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