Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
