Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
