I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
