I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
