cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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