I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Screwed.edu
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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