Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
