Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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