new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
