i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
