The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
