you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
