Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
