miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Randomize
