Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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