I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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