Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
