if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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