He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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