I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
