she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
