I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
