My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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