she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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