i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
