Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
