Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
