So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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