I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
