Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
