Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
