I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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