I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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