Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
