I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
