I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
