my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
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I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
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Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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