dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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