I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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