every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
