11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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