My cat gives me a boner
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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