when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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