Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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